The release of Monster Hunter Rise is rightfully being celebrated for many reasons, but one of the best things about the release of any new Monster Hunter game is the chance to explore their extensive collections of ridiculous weapons.
While there’s really no such thing as a “practical” Monster Hunter weapon (this is a franchise that loves to go far over the top), there’s a special class of weapons in this series that’s on another level in terms of absurdity. These weapons aren’t just giant creations that defy the laws of physics en route to conquering the most feared beasts in the world: they’re often quite silly.
From pizzas to teddy bears, these are just some of the most ridiculous weapons in Monster Hunter history.
Tigrex Tank
Monster Hunter’s bowguns are generally pretty cool, but the weapon class was rarely cooler than in Monster Hunter Freedom 2 when we got our hands on the Tigrex Tank.
This design is really the epitome of what makes these absurd Monster Hunter weapons so memorable. No matter how big and ancient a monster is, you’re never going to be that scared of it so long as you’re able to ride into battle with a tank strapped to your back. Is it the best weapon in the game? Maybe not, but how are you ever going to replace that feeling?
The Monster Hunter series has a strange history of food-based weapons (just you wait), but few are as memorable as the Glutton’s Tools.
Yes, going into battle with a tank on your back sends a message, but what must a monster be thinking when they see a warrior standing in front of them wielding a fork and knife? Here’s this thing that’s a fraction of their size that is so confident that they’ll be eating them soon that they brought their own utensils. What an undeniable power move.
Sharq Attaq
Monster Hunter weapons designed to resemble giant monsters are nothing new, but there’s just something about this lance that stands out.
Maybe it’s the Jaws-like looks, but I think it has something more to do with the narrative this weapon suggests. Not only did you hunt and kill a whole ass shark, but you are so proud of that accomplishment (rightfully so), but you have elected to have it stuffed and weaponized. I don’t even know how this thing actually hurts larger monsters, though I imagine the confusion of being hit by a shark offers a unique kind of pain.
Bamboo Birdsbane
A piece of bamboo doesn’t initially feel like the most intimidating weapon in the Monster Hunter universe. However, you have to realize that this isn’t just a melee weapon; it’s a gunlance that fires projectiles.
How does that work? Nobody really seems to know for sure, but that’s kind of what’s great about this weapon. It lets you buy into the idea that whatever is causing this bamboo to fire lethal rounds with an explosive force so powerful that it can topple a beast the size of a skyscraper must be substantial enough to trust in battle without having to answer all these pesky logistical questions.
Ham of Hams
The Ham of Hams is the only Monster Hunter weapon that is bold enough to ask the question “How much does it hurt to get hit with a giant chunk of ham?”
I’m guessing it hurts worse than being slapped with a fish, but is it more painful than biting into an especially stale baguette? I can only suspect that the density of the bone adds a little something to the force, but does the toughness of the creature you cooked factor into the damage? The world may never know these answers, but we still recognize the splendor of the Ham of Hams.
Pizza Wheel
This final form charge blade reminds us that anything can be a weapon in the Monster Hunter universe if you put enough thought into it.
I don’t know if the cat ears give this pizza extra power, but I must say that it makes more sense to use a pizza in a fight than to prepare for a fight by eating a pizza. The latter usually just leads to a long nap, more than a few beers, and feelings of regret over the realization you did, in fact, eat the whole thing.
The Gun Hammer
Anyone can shoot at a monster, but it takes a true professional to craft a hammer in the shape of a revolver chamber and take that into battle.
This massive weapon comes complete with an explosive finish that is perfect for the refined hunter who likes the idea of using a gun but prefers to get in close and really get to know their prey before they swing a multi-ton blunt instrument of destruction at them.
Emperor’s Speech
I don’t even know where to start with this one. While many hunting horn weapons are modeled after instruments, this one is designed to resemble a royal pig riding atop a throne.
The implication with this one seems to be that this pig’s voice (perhaps even just his words) is so commanding that it can help topple the largest beasts. He’s the kind of leader we need in these trying times, and he’s clearly also not afraid to throw his entire self at a monster in order to get the job done.
Teddy Bear Hammer
I’m not sure if this Teddy Bear weapon would make a shortlist of the strangest Monster Hunter weapons on the basis of its looks alone, but this one most certainly makes the cut by virtue of its abilities.
See, this weapon actually casts a sleeping effect on its prey. That means it’s not just killing them so much as it’s rocking them to sleep with a gentle lullaby. That’s not just adorable; it’s the kind of thing Disney bases entire movies around when they’re not delaying Black Widow again.
Fist of Fury
Again, First of Fury isn’t the most absurd weapon in the grand scope of this franchise, but I love the story that this hammer tells.
Because Monster Hunter won’t just let you beat monsters down with your bare hands (at least not often enough), the wielder of this weapon is essentially saying “Well, if I’m forced to use a weapon, it’s going to be in the shape of a giant, stone fist.” That’s the kind of fair compromise you wouldn’t expect from someone who walks around beating up legendary creatures with a rock on a stick.